The Crisco Dan Songs
by What About Scout
Summary: Just a couple of my favorite Dan songs I came up with on a rainy day...
1. Soak Up The Grease & Road of Death

A/N: Just a couple of Sheryl Crow songs that I turned into I Hate You Dan songs today. I had one for Bette Midler's _The Rose_, but I have to get it in order. Anyway, these songs are _Soak Up the Sun_ and _Diamond Road_, two of my favorites. Oh, by the way my I've got others that are almost ready to be put up...

DISCLAIMER: I disclaim. I own the names of the songs and the words, but Sheryl Crow inspired me.

Soak Up The Grease

Oh, Dan, you're a grease trap  
You hold it in your hair  
I can't believe I caught  
You frying chips up there!

I have some fries at home  
Would you mind frying those for me?  
I know it is not right  
But it works out so perfectly  
  
[CHORUS:]  
You are gonna soak up grease  
Gonna tell everyone that it tastes good  
You are gonna get sick  
From eating all of that grease  
And then you're going to die  
Dan, burn in hell

[1st time only]

I hope you burn in hell  
I hope you burn in hell

I saw you yesterday  
Putting Crisco in your hair  
I was totally grossed out  
But you looked like you did not care

Every time I turn around  
You're soaking grease up in your hair  
Maybe something's wrong with you  
That makes you act the way you do   
  
[CHORUS]  
  
You're gonna soak up the grease  
While it's still free for freaks  
You're gonna soak in Crisco goo  
Before it goes out on you

It's not like I want to see  
The amounts of grease coming from your hair  
And that cleft chin, oh baby  
I just wanna cut it off!

Every time I turn around  
You're soaking grease up in your hair  
Maybe something's wrong with you  
That makes you act the way you do  
Maybe I am crazy, too  
For seeing it the way you do  
  
[CHORUS]

You are gonna soak up grease  
Gonna tell everyone that it tastes good (that it tastes good)  
You are gonna get sick  
From eating all of that grease  
And then you're going to die  
Dan, burn in hell (Dan burn in hell)

I hope you burn in hell...

**Road of Death**

Walk with me the Road of Death  
I hope that it takes your last breath  
Take some grease from your hair  
And you just might live

I want to light a bonfire up there  
In the greasiness of your hair  
Fry some chips off of your head  
And bake some French Fries, too

When you're greasy (you're all alone)  
When you're dying (on Death Road)  
Oh, it's gonna take a little time  
For you to give in and die  
When the night falls (you're all alone)  
When you're stumbling (on Death Road)  
Oh, it's gonna take a little time  
To make it to the other side

So don't miss the grease traps along the way  
Every road has led you here today

Little bird, what's troublin' you?  
You know what you have to do  
Cause what is yours you'll never lose  
And what's ahead may shine  
Oh, and if you take the match to his head  
We'll honor you 'till the day you're dead  
Take the match, little birdie friend  
And run through the steps to kill Dan again

When you're greasy (you're all alone)  
When you're dying (on Death Road)  
Oh, it's gonna take a little time  
For you to give in and die  
When the night falls (you're all alone)  
When you're stumbling (on Death Road)  
Oh, it's gonna take a little time  
To make it to the other side  
  
So don't miss the grease traps along the way  
Every road has led you here today

Won't you shine on  
Greasy hair treatment shampoo  
Burn the Crisco away...

Oh...

Walk with me the Road of Death  
I hope that it takes your last breath  
Take some grease from your hair  
And you just might live

(Just kidding...)

**  
**When you're greasy (you're all alone)  
When you're dying (on Death Road)  
Oh, it's gonna take a little time  
For you to give in and die  
When the night falls (you're all alone)  
When you're stumbling (on Death Road)  
Oh, it's gonna take a little time  
To make it to the other side  
  
Don't miss the grease traps along the way  
Every road has led you here today  
Death is what happens with grease and Crisco...  
Oh, Dan, you really must die...


	2. Learn to Die

A/N: Based on Foo Fighters--Learn To Fly. I've always wanted to make this song into some sort of fic somehow…

HATER HANNAH  
"LEARN TO DIE"

Run and tell all of the devils  
This could take all night  
Think I need a gas can to help me  
Get things right  
  
I set a match to his body  
He did not struggle or fight  
We sat around laughing  
And watch the last hair die  
  
Now I'm looking at his dead body  
Looking for a sign of life  
Looking for something help me kill him right

I'm looking for a complication  
Looking 'cause I'm tired of lying  
He can go back home  
When he learns to die  
  
Think I've got a foolproof plan  
It can't wait one night  
I swear I'll kill him right  
If you give me one last try  
  
We'd live happily ever  
If he would up and die  
Run and tell the devils  
That everything is all right  
  
Now I'm looking at his dead body  
Looking for a sign of life  
Looking for something help me kill him right

I'm looking for a complication  
Looking 'cause I'm tired of trying  
He can go back home  
When he learns to die  
  
Dan, you'll die slowly  
I promise it will bring pain  
Tryin' to make this inhumane…

Dan, you'll die slowly  
I promise it will bring pain  
Tryin' to make this inhumane…  
  
Now I'm looking at his dead body  
Looking for a sign of life  
Looking for something help me kill him right

I'm looking for a complication  
Looking 'cause I'm tired of trying  
He can go back home  
When he learns to die

A/N: I wrote this while listening to the original some at one in the morning, so if it's not my best I'm sorry. But I truly believe that any song against Dan, basically no matter how it's written, is a good one. Right? Right? Good. I knew you'd see it my way.


	3. Joy to the World

A/N: Now this is written to go along with one of my all-time favorites, Three Dog Night--Joy to the World. And now, not the Joy to the World you'd sing in church, the one with the bullfrog. I really don't know how many people actually know the song, but this remake is a Dan Hater song, so enjoy.

Dannie Boy was a grease ball  
Was no friend of mine  
I never knew a person that liked him  
And we'll laugh when it's his time

Singin', joy to the world  
All the boys and girls  
Joy to the one who put a bullet in his head  
Rejoice, 'cause Dan is dead

If I were the Queen of the world  
I tell you what I'd do  
I'd take a lit match to your hair  
Try to stop me if you dare

Joy to the world  
All the boys and girls  
Joy to the one who put a bullet in your head  
Rejoice, 'cause Dan is dead

You know I love to plan  
The day I will kill you  
We'd all form a circle with our pitchforks and guns  
Kill you and yell "Yahoo!"  
I said, kill you and yell "Yahoo!"

Joy to the world  
All the boys and girls  
Joy to the one who put a bullet in your head  
Rejoice, 'cause Dan is dead

Joy to the world  
All the boys and girls  
Joy to the world  
Joy to you and me

Joy to the world  
All the boys and girls  
Joy to the one who put a bullet in your head  
Rejoice, 'cause Dan is dead

Joy to the world  
Joy to you and me…

Joy to the world  
All the boys and girls  
Joy to the one who put a bullet in your head  
Rejoice, 'cause Dan is dead

Joy to the world  
All the boys and girls  
Joy to the one who put a bullet in your head  
Rejoice, 'cause Dan is dead

Joy to the world  
All the boys and girls…


End file.
